


No Such Thing

by spike21



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, feather-light Halloweenie fun -- not an ounce of substance.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-11
Updated: 2008-11-11
Packaged: 2020-09-26 13:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20390119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spike21/pseuds/spike21
Summary: He was, he could confidently say, just as mellow as he could be.





	No Such Thing

It was a leisurely two hour flight from PX-393 to the space gate and John was feeling relaxed and happy. Hands had been shaken, fresh fruit gathered, medical supplies distributed, sunshine enjoyed, donut-things eaten, cider sipped, funny stories exchanged and eventually waves goodbye had been waved. A good job well done, capped off with a little bit of flying a space ship through space with his Team, which just happened to be one of John’s favorite things.

He was, he could confidently say, just as mellow as he could be.

“And okay, that’s just weird,” Rodney said, apropos of nothing from where he sat at the science station in the back of the ‘jumper.

“Weird ha ha?” John asked, glancing up at the HUD but seeing only the same fan of stars that had been there all along. “Or weird strange?”

“That doesn't…” Rodney said, distractedly. John risked a glance and found Rodney staring at him blankly. He raised an eyebrow and Rodney scowled. “Wait… what?”

“What is weird, Rodney?” Teyla asked. It took Rodney a second to hoist his train of thought back on the rails. Then he shook his head and turned back to his readings.

“Nothing,” Rodney said. “Just… we’re overweight.”

“Told you to lay off those donuts,” Ronon said.

“Oh ha ha” said Rodney. “I meant the jumper as a whole, not me. And I’ll have you—“

“Is it a problem?” John asked.

“No!” Rodney snapped. “Look, I’m as fit as I need to be for my primary responsibilities as Chief Science Officer and I don’t recall ever picking on any of you for your shortcomings in the field of–" The accumulated gravity of their combined silence finally sank in. “Oh, you mean the… thing with the… Right. The jumper. And no, it’s only about 10 kilos, so it’s not going to burn up all our fuel or anything it’s just…”

“Weird,” said Sheppard. “So… anyone pick up any naughty souvenirs from PX-393 that they didn’t bother to mention? Contraband space liquor? Illegal Wraith porn?” He could feel Teyla rolling her eyes behind him and grinned. “Ronon? You hiding knives in personal places again?”

Ronon snorted.

“You wanna search me?” he asked.

“Nah,” John said. “I trust you, big guy.”

“I’m not sure I do,” Teyla said, and Ronon said “Hey!” in a way that indicated he had moved quickly out of her reach.

“Hunh,” Rodney said. John waited. “Well, that’s weird too. We’re back to normal.”

“Maybe we picked up some space mud,” John said. “And then it fell off.”

“Right,” Rodney said. “Because in the endless void between stars, you tend to drive through a lot of big puddles.”

“Driving through puddles is fun,” John said.

“Why does that not surprise me?” Rodney asked. “I don’t suppose you’ve ever had to walk anywhere on a rainy--”

“It could be dark matter,” Teyla said.

“No it…” Rodney said. “Well, yes, it could but that--- Okay now that is just weird. Now we’re under--”

John didn’t have the opportunity to comment because at that moment the rear port thrusters started firing in an entirely different direction from all the other thrusters and John was suddenly fighting to keep the jumper from tearing itself in two. He worked the thruster controls with his hand and his brain, but they were sluggish and unpredictable on either level. Nor could he shut them down. The stars started to swirl as jumper rolled into a slow, wobbly tumble.

“Okay,” John shouted back over his shoulder. “This is a little more than "weird". Rodney…?”

“Working on it,” Rodney shouted back.

John had nearly managed to get the spin stopped when the aft port thruster went offline altogether. The stars swooped dizzyingly in the opposite direction and he could hear Rodney yelp in the background.

“What the hell is going on?” John shouted.

“I don’t know!” Rodney shouted back. “We keep losing--”

“There!” Ronon said from right behind John’s ear. He had his blaster out and pointing out the front viewscreen. John’s eyes sited down the weapon automatically but all he could see were the vertical trails of the swooping stars.

“What is it, buddy?” John said, eyes scanning the starfield. “I’m not seeing anything.”

“Wait for it,” Ronon said. He tracked across the bottom edge of the viewscreen with his blaster and then snapped to the left, pointing. “There! On the outside of the ship.”

John didn’t see it and then he did. A crinkle of silver, the unmistakable skitter of insectile movement across the bottom of the viewscreen.

“Augh!” John yelped, jerking back from the controls.

“What?” Rodney squeaked from the back. “What is it?”

“Bug!” Ronon yelled back as John lunged back at the controls again. “Big one. It moves *fast*. “

John’s skin crawled but he forced his hands back onto the joystick, fought for control. The spin had gained momentum *and* torque, dammit.

“Find a way to track that thing,” John yelled back at Rodney. “It better not be eating my ship.”

“Track…” Rodney muttered. And then a moment later. “There’s a lifesign. It’s…wait… we just lost another few kilos and hull integrity is down four perce— oh you’ve got to be kidding me.” John glanced around to see Rodney glaring at his console.

“What?” John growled.

“We have a gremlin.”

“Rodney…”

“It’s eating our ship.”

“There are no such things as gremlins,” John said, firmly. The cabin lights flickered.

“Oh crap,” Rodney said. “It’s into the wiring.”

“If I could get out there,” Ronon said, tracking the shimmers of movement back and forth as the thing skittered around and across the hull.

“No space suit,” said John. He fought to keep his focus on the controls but now that he’d seen it, he couldn’t stop noticing every time it flickered at the edge of his vision. Auugh. Bugs. Why did it have to be bugs? He hated bugs. He managed to even out the spin again, *and* most of the torque, although the ship did keep stubbornly veering left like a cheap Wal*Mart shopping cart.

“What about the drones?” Teyla offered. “Could you aim--?”

“Bad, bad idea,” Rodney said. “The drones can penetrate the shield even at full… but… oh. Oh!”

There was another menacing dip in the lights and then a blue flash pulsed in the viewscreen. A moment later John saw a big silver object, about the size and shape of a model Volkswagon beetle with legs floating away from the ship.

“What did you do?” John asked. Rodney looked smug.

“I just rerouted all the power into the shields and reversed the polarity,” he said. John waited.

“Big bug zapper,” Teyla explained.

Ahhh, John thought.

“Well, it was a big bug…” Rodney said.

“Cool,” Ronon said, sounding impressed.

It was pretty cool, John thought. Except for the part where a giant space bug had eaten his port thruster and they were going to limp all the way back to Atlantis. But still, he’d had lunch on an alien planet, nobody had died and he was still flying in a space ship in space with his Team.

And even if there were giant, ship-eating space beetles in Pegasus, there were still no such things as gremlins.

For a pilot, that was as copacetic as life got.

*


End file.
